LETTERS FROM MY EDITOR: The Abthernabther Years

February 9, 2010 at 10:33 AM | In Letters from my Editor | Comments Off

Many moons ago, I wrote a weekly column for QuickDFW under the guise of “world renowned entrepreneur, best selling author, yacht racer, hot air balloon enthusiast, culture connoisseur, bon vivant, pleasure seeker, taste maker and opinion taster” Alibaster K. Abthernabther.

During that time, I had a number of interesting back and forths with my editor, who shall remain nameless and blameless.  It is to his credit that I got the gig and was able to get away with as much as I did.  But every so often a line was crossed and it was his job to make sure I stayed on the right side of that line.

I have a deep respect for all the editors I work with.  I am a very, very lazy man with a crude and juvenile sense of humor and I cannot begin to fathom the amount of bullshit they have to deal with on a minute-by-minute basis, especially when dealing with someone like me.  These people are saints.

That said, certain conversations produced some pretty absurd pieces of editorial guidance, made even funnier when taken out of context.

  • Thought I should give you an early warning that the Muhammad reference is going to have to be cut. – 12/3/07
  • Hey, wanted to let you know of some late-breaking worries from the copy desk about the Hispanic names and stereotypes. – 12/9/07
  • Can we replace “Guido” with something, like, say,”douchebag”? – 12/13/07
  • Not sure about “Scrotal Sacks”. – 1/10/08
  • Did you include “I am a fictional being” in the tagline because of legal worries we’ve discussed before? – 3/16/08
  • We need to do a little tap-dancing to make it work. – 4/20/08
  • There’s some tricky turf here. Dead soldiers have that effect. – 5/21/08
  • “Ching-Chong-Changville”…isn’t going to work. – 7/19/08
  • Well now, we’ve had a nice little reaction to that. Mainly from the [REDACTED], and friends of the [REDACTED]. One person said it was “pornographic.” – 10/7/08
  • Just let this go, please don’t contribute any more fuel. – 10/9/08 (11:16 a.m.)
  • I understand, but please just let it go. – 10/9/08 (11:22 a.m.)
  • Gotta tone down the “nipple” stuff with the female references. OK for the guys.- 10/20/08
  • The dreaded word “litigious” is in play here. Since she’s a lawyer and all. My knee-jerk reaction: Might be more trouble than it’s worth. – 11/14/08
  • No-go on “dicktard.” “Dick” is not a word we print, and “tard” is one to avoid as well. – 2/2/09
  • Talk about litigious. This whole thing is a mess. – 3/28/09

GUEST COLUMNISTS: The Arcade Fire

February 8, 2010 at 10:14 AM | In Guest Columnist | Comments Off

Hi!  We’re Arcade Fire; Canadian post-punk, baroque pop, indie art rock ensemble and poetic socio-political commentators.

Many people noticed that our song “Wake Up” was featured prominently in NFL commercials during last night’s Super Bowl.  Many people then took to their blogs and Facebooks and MySpaces and Friendsterers to air their self-righteous, ill-informed indignation over our “selling out” to a major American sports corporation.

As we Tweeted last week, arrangements were made so that 100% of the proceeds from “Wake Up”’s commercial use during the Super Bowl would be donated to Partners in Health’s “Stand With Haiti” relief efforts.   So you can get off your high horse right now before we knock you off of it with a violin.

How many millions have you donated to Haiti relief?  What?  What was that?  No millions?  That’s what we thought.

But while we have your attention, we’d like to bring to light another global tragedy that goes undiscussed and fully ignored by mainstream media outlets.

Everyday on this planet, billions of children go hungry, do not receive proper medical care, are denied formal education, and work in sweatshops to support their families.

But millions more children face a more devastating fate, forced to wear trousers without suspenders.

One of the lucky few.

We, the members of Arcade Fire, will not stand to see the children of this or any other country continue to grow up suspender-less.  That’s why we’ll be joining actor John Lithgow this summer on a 30-city tour to raise money and awareness for this cause.

John Lithgow: friend of suspenders, friend of Arcade Fire

Also, be on the look out for our charity single to be released next week entitled “Brace the World (Do They Know Suspenders Can Hold Your Pants Up?)”

Thank you.

Seriously, Who Do I Have To Blow To Get A Reduced Fat Turkey Bacon Breakfast Sandwich Around Here?

February 4, 2010 at 12:34 PM | In misc | Comments Off

Not too long ago you couldn’t throw a dead cat without hitting one of these fancy-ass Starbucks sammiches.

Or so I assumed.  For some reason the Starbucks by my office downright refuses to carry them.  What the fuck?

Do I want a muffin?  No!  Do I want a scone?  Hell-fuck no!  I want a reduced fat turkey bacon breakfast sandwich; nothing more and nothing less.  Now who the hell do I have to fellate to get my hands on one of these delicious things!?

Don’t get me wrong.  I appreciate that my office area Starbucks has a drive-thru.  God forbid I burn a quarter of a calorie hauling my fat ass out of my car, dragging it into their brick and mortar establishment, and interacting with anything other than an intercom and the person at the window who takes my money and hands me my coffee and reduced fat turkey bacon breakfast sandwich.  Oh, wait.  I forgot.  They don’t carry the reduced fat turkey bacon breakfast sandwich.  Motherfuckers!!!

Look, I’m a reasonable man making reasonable demands.  Give me my reduced fat turkey bacon breakfast sandwich and in exchange I will mouth your boner.  It’s just that simple.

All I really need to know is whose knob do I have to slob on to get my goddam reduced fat turkey bacon breakfast sandwich.  Is it Starbucks Chairman and CEO Howard Shultz?  ‘Cause if it is, I will gladly hum his root to the bristle provided said beej results in the immediate availability of the reduced fat turkey bacon breakfast sandwich at every single shit-sucking Starbucks on the motherfucking planet.  Is that so much to ask?  Is it?!?

I didn’t think so.

HANGING BRAIN RADIO: Guest DJ Lindsay Graham [Junius Recording Company]

February 1, 2010 at 1:00 AM | In HangingBrainRadio, music | Comments Off

A little while back I asked elegant gent Lindsay Graham, Junius Recording Company’s proprietor/producer/engineer/jack-of-all-everything, to hook me up with a JRC-centric playlist for my humble blog.  Here he is making some studio magic…

Mr. Graham gallantly provided me with the podcast you find below.  It features some great bands, includes some soon-to-be-released gems, a couple of unreleased numbers, and offers an interesting one-off or two.  All awesome.

My sincerest thanks to Lindsay.  I know it was difficult for him to compile this mix while still mourning the death of J.D. Salinger, who wrote one of Lindsay’s favorite novels.*  Hang in there, champ.

Mr. Graham went that extra mile and provided a bit o’ back-story for each track.  And I’m glad he did, because now I can just copy and paste his notations and get back to addressing my wife’s questions about the plot holes in RoboCop, which is playing on IFC right now.  He’s part machine, part man, and all cop.  What’s NOT to understand!?!?!?

1.) Happy Bullets, “Darla,” off their soon-to-be released album Hydropanic at the Natatorium.
2.) The Polycorns, “Ready to be Warm,” from their 3-song EP On Tardy
3.) Robby Holley, “Miscommunication,” from the soon-to-be-released (for free, by me) compilation album, Telegram.
4.) Tonite Tonite, “Me First,” from their unfinished and untitled first album that seems will never be completed.
5.) Lalagray, “Devil’s Nest,” the first draft mix of the title track off the album, still in progress.
6.) The Beaten Sea, “Hard Way,” off their, again, soon-to-be-released album of an unknown name.
7.) Pleasant Grove, “Butcher,” a lost cut off an abandoned album, much to everyone’s dismay.
8.) The As-Is, “Someone Else,” a song from my fake, studio-only band featuring Trey Kazee, Robby Holly, Don Cento and Chris Carmichael.
9.) Here, In Arms, “Me and Eddy,” from their album Outlaws.
10.) Airline, “Ulysses,” from the album Farewell Republica.
11.) Orange Peel Sunshine, “Back to Dallas,” off their CD High. Deaf.
12.) A bonus track, one of the many little stupid things I’ve composed and recorded for corporate clients.  This one was for Verizon.

>>> MP3

* Not at all true.

NX35 Adds New Bands, Creates New Day Of The Week

January 25, 2010 at 5:13 PM | In music | Comments Off

Organizers of the Denton-based NX35 Music Conferette officially announced the addition of yet another slew of acts scheduled to perform at the festival’s already seam-busting bill of groundbreaking and exciting new bands; including Norwegian polka-thrash orchestra Slug Fudge, evangelical power pop trio Nut Dusters UK, afro-lounge noise instrumentalists The Tiny Baby Who Shakes The Highest Branch of the Death-Maker’s Widow Tree, and Swedish hit makers Ace of Base.

To accommodate the event’s ever-growing line-up, NX35 organizers were forced to alter the preexisting concepts of spacial reality and linear time continuum to create an entirely new day of the week.

Together with Professor Stephen Hawking, a team of theoretical physicists from MIT, and an air conditioning repair instructor from DeVry University, festival organizers were able to insert a new 24-hour span of space-time between Thursday, March 11th and Friday, March 12th.

This unprecedented event of man-made chronological re-sequencing will be a singular, localized occurrence referred to as “Thriday, March tweleventh” and will feature performances by Tower of Foible, Japanese hip-hop legends Johnny Wasabi and the Sushi Crew, Portland folk-funk duo The Sob Bucket, and singer-songwriter Timothy Gruntfellow.

Giggle Party to Death

January 20, 2010 at 11:39 AM | In songstuffs | Comments Off

Ok, so technically we’re still on January break but Giggle Party is doing something pretty cool that I wanted to post about real quick-like.  And, yes, I only write about the same five bands over and over.  Deal with it, fuckos.

Go HERE to keep tabs on the band’s “Party to Death” project, which is explained thusly…

We, the band Giggle Party, will be releasing a new song every week until the April release of our first full length album. We know many of our fans,enemies, and mostly moms have been asking when we would release produced material. So here in essence is the first of many new song you’ll be able to hear.

Every Tuesday a new song will be available for free download for 24 hours. After the free download period we will keep the song up on our bandcamp site and charge $1.00 for the material for two weeks, at which point we’ll remove the song until the album release.

A super active fan could get a bunch of songs for free. So keep coming back to partytodeath.com every Tuesday to get your new song for free.

Here’s their first self-released leak “Big Bang” which you can download for free RIGHT NOW, but will cost you a buck in about an hour and a half.

If this song is any indication, the band’s songwriting and production savvy have evolved in leaps and bounds.  See for your own damn self…

It’s the same synth-punk dance party fodder we’ve come to love from GP, but any and all rough edges seem to have been sufficiently buffed.  Fame and fortune is just around the corner.  No doubt, it’s only a matter of time before they’ll be appearing in a national ad campaign where they’ll be blanketing a Pontiac G8 Sport Truck or an HP TouchSmart tx2 Notebook PC in silly string.

Tip o’ the brim to Pete over at DC9@Night, who is 90% sure he’s never met me.

ROY IVY – ‘Shoot Out the Lights’

December 30, 2009 at 1:37 AM | In misc | Comments Off

Once Dallas, now Chicago-based songsmith Roy Ivy has just released Shoot Out The Lights, a fine, fragile lo-fi “bedroom recorded” collection of songs about heartache, heartbreak, and complete and total heart demolition. We sneak-peaked it a week or two ago.

Download the whole album for freebies via bandcamp >>>HERE<<<.  Who wants a girl on the rebound? I do, I do, I do, Roy totally does.

Also, dig this scratchy, yet appropriately commandeered cover of The New Year’s debut album’s title track…

OBITS WE’D LIKE TO SEE: The Lolli Dollies

December 29, 2009 at 3:57 PM | In Obits We'd Like To See | Comments Off

Sad news today for fans of kinda fugly girls who dance on top of boxes.

The Lolli Dollies, who proudly described themselves as the “offical [sic] Lollipop Shoppe go go dancers and the best little GO GO troupe in Dallas!”, died today in a horrific fiery accident that occurred during one of their many, many unnecessary and self-aggrandizing promotional photo shoots.

“Everything was going well,” said middle-aged photographer and pervert Mervin Smootfern, who witnessed the fatal blaze as it unfolded in the makeshift studio he maintains in the basement of his grandmother’s house.

“I was setting up the camera that I barely know how to focus, much less use, and then one of them tripped over an extension cord with their clunky ass go-go boots, which caused one of the light stands to collapse onto the backdrop.  I’m not sure if it was the parakeet-faced redhead or the Annie Lennox-lookin’ one or the dumpy one who smells like farts or the one that looks like Eddie Munster, but it was one of them.”

The situation quickly got out of control.

“The backdrop immediately burst into flames and landed on top of the girls, smothering them in a blanket of raging fire,” reported Smootfern.

“It was a perfect recipe for disaster!  They were all wearing very flammable vintage miniskirts.  They were covered in pancake foundation and their misshaped heads were absolutely varnished in copious amounts of haircare product, so each one of them went up like a match.  Like a self-absorbed, mentally challenged, talentless match.”

“Within a matter of seconds they were just one big smoldering heap of melted polyester, charred flesh, and molten makeup.  It was horrifying! Absolutely horrifying and not at all groovy!”

“There was no one else like them in town,” said fellow middle-aged photographer and pervert Calvin Pondersquash, who captured the Lolli Dollies for the troupe’s annual Arbor Day photo shoot earlier this year.

“I don’t think I’m speaking out of school when I say they really and truly performed real retro 60’s dancing with routines and vintage fashions…and go go boots, naturally!  Naturally!!!  And they only did so when it involved the spinning of the platters that matter!  Oh, what a tragic day for people who enjoy watching moderately attractive girls with no rhythm or soul dance on top of boxes.”

While local area middle-aged photographer/perverts were shaken by the news, the rest of the Dallas arts community seemed equally shocked, if only ironically so.

“Those dumb girls who thought they were hot shit and threw dumb parties for themselves all the time and danced on top of boxes?” asked local singer/songwriter Glenn Bernard when told of the terrible news of the Lolli Dollie deaths.

“Yeah, they were really cool people who weren’t at all full of themselves and thought every little lame thing they did was awesome,” said Bernard.  “They would go to brunch, take pictures of themselves eating brunch, post these pictures on their Facebook ‘fan’ page and then comment on the pictures themselves.  What’s not cool about that?  That’s not completely pathetic and sad at all.”

“I sure will miss all the unique and original things they did not do.”

Xmas.MINI.miX

December 21, 2009 at 9:07 AM | In music, songstuffs | Comments Off

Big ass holiday thanks to all the local music makers who either contributed new or unreleased songs or simply allowed me to include their pre-existing Christmas tunes in this Xmas mini-mix.  I threw my own contribution in there, but put it at the end so you could easily skip over it.  Everything else is golden, so no skipping allowed.

Happy Merry Holidaystuffs to You and Yours!

>>> MP3

Roy Ivy – “Baby Names”

December 15, 2009 at 11:06 AM | In misc | Comments Off

Roy Ivy could teach a master class in siphoning otherwise devastating heartbreak into melodic verse that connects universally, while still leaving plenty of lines to read between.  His knack for melody is ridiculous.  The dude breaks wind in iambic pentameter.

Christmas for the crestfallen comes early as Ivy has upload three songs from an upcoming album here.   So far, “Baby Names” is my favorite.

Roy Ivy – “Baby Names”

Next Page »

Blog at WordPress.com. | Theme: Pool by Borja Fernandez.
Entries and comments feeds.